Using male public toilets is hard enough anywhere in the world especially when you see the state of some of them, but if you don’t follow the UN written golden rules of public toilet usage you could potentially get yourself into serious trouble. I have never seen these rules written down anywhere before yet people seem to just follow them.
We believe the time has come to put them on paper so please follow these top tips carefully and you will be able to use public toilets safely all over the world.
- Always wipe the toilet seat down with toilet paper even if its clean – There any many techniques for this but usually a quick wipe down will do although placing toilet paper carefully round the top of the toilet seat is also a favourite with some people.
- Never start a poo if there is somebody else in the toilet with you – If you arrive in the cubicle and you know somebody else is already mid poo it is only fair that you wait until they have completely left before beginning as not to spoil the other person’s pooing pleasure.
- If you are mid-poo and somebody else enters the toilet you must stop and wait for them to leave before resuming your poo – Nobody wants to hear you taking a poo so if somebody else is rude enough to walk in during your poo stop immediately until they have left and pray they don’t also need a poo as you could find yourself in a stalemate situation especially if they are following public toilet etiquette also.
- If you have just finished and then somebody enter the toilet do not start using the toilet paper until they leave – If you have just enjoyed your poo and its now wiping time and somebody walks in you must wait as if you start using the toilet paper you run the risk of having to leave the cubicle before they have left.
- If you have totally finished and wiped and somebody enters you must sit there and wait patiently until they leave – This may sound stupid but if your all done and somebody times their entrance beautifully it is still not acceptable to leave the cubicle until the toilet is empty. Nobody wants to have to see the face of the person who is responsible for this incredible smell so sit tight and be nice.
- If you get caught coming out of a cubicle after a poo do not acknowledge the other person in any way – this follows on nicely from the above point. If you have the misfortune of coming face to face with a person after you have unloaded do not acknowledge them, don’t wash your hands just get the hell out of there as quickly as possible.
- When weeing always look forward do not under any circumstances look to either your left or right – We know this is really hard for us men to do but don’t even think about trying to take a peek at another mans genitals whilst peeing as you run the risk of receiving a sharp intense pain in your face as a result of the other persons fist. Be strong and look forward.
- After finishing your wee don’t forget the obligatory three shake rule – Its common knowledge that in order to finish a wee correctly three shakes is plenty. Anymore than three shakes is just wrong and can be perceived as public self-gratification, so beware.
- If there is no room at the washbasin do not wait around to wash just shake and go – only girls wait to wash. You pee out of the end not the sides. Don’t look stupid by standing around rub your hands on your jeans and leave before anybody notices that you waited even a short time.
NOW GO FORTH AND USE PUBLIC TOILETS EVERYWHERE WITHOUT THE FEAR OFFENDING
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